Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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