you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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