did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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