i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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