I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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