I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
