I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
