Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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