Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
