I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
