I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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