Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
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