I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize