Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
