I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
