I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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