I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
