I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
