pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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