And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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