just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
