Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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