Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
