Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
