you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
