college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
