That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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