i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
