I'm going to jail i love you
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
