Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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