you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
