god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she woke up with a sticky ear
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
