last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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