There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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