I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
