Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
