please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
