So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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