Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
