I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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