how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
