you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
