you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
