strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize