I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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