someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
