just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
