Please, let me fuck your mom
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
