So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
