She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
