we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
