I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's never too late to be topless.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Shame - the story of my life.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
