two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
