Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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