Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize