Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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