The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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