My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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