The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
